For all you old farts, KC Tandoor’s Indian Cuisine is BACK at the Food Co-op! Get your paws on a yummy veggie burrito or dip your entire face in delicious lentil or mixed vegetable daal. Yeah, that’s right—DAAL. AND YOUR FACE. A LOVELY COMBINATION.
Also, as always, please consider volunteering some of your time at the co-op! We are looking for core members all the time, and now’s a good chance to get in here. Come in whenever you’re free and tell the people on shift that you want to volunteer. It’s that easy! If you’re intimidated, don’t be! Yes, some of us listen to super hip music and have side-bangs but that doesn’t mean we’re not warm, fluffy pancakes on the inside! Seriously!
There has always been a complaint among people who walk into the Food Co-op (and then immediately out of it) that the place gives off an unmistakable pretentious hipster vibe. This is probably 97% due to the fact that more than half of the core members have bangs (or “little head flaps,” as I like to call them). Here are some ways you, our valued customer, can make your UCSD Food Co-op experiences a little less Hipster Town and a little more What a Fun Place to Eat!.
1. I find it incredibly helpful to refer to the items we sell by names other than their given ones. This not only makes everything less pretentious, but it also helps one understand just what is in the food…’cause we all know hippies like exotic things. Here is a list of suggested names alongside their “real” names in parentheses. Please feel free to make up your own. It’s all about being creative (but not too creative).:
Bacteria Bubblies (Kombucha)
Yellow Fruit Carvings (mango spears)
Circle Bread (bagles)
Almost Regular (soy milk)
Regular (cow milk)
Bun(ny) Poop (malt balls)
Not Naked Juice (Juice Evo)
Coconut Town (Thai curry)
Kaffeine for the Kewl (Yerba Mate)
White Paste (Toffutti)
Little Animals in a Bag (Snackimals)
Flat Beans (lentils)
Dog Food (Heart Thrive)
Stalagmites (vegan ice cream)
Normal People Food (cheese)
Condoms (vegan condoms)
After you feel comfortable with these names, you may even move on to calling the UCSD Food Co-op itself by a less hipsterish name, like the UCSD No Chickens Allowed Coop. This is just a suggestion.
2. Another way to de-hipsterfy the FC for yourself is to dress in a tuxedo, walk into the store, sit down at a table, and tell whoever is on shift that you will have “the usual” in a heavy New Jersey accent. This does a number of great things: 1) It will really confuse the core member on shift. (There is nothing better than a confused hipster, let me tell you.) 2) You will sound and look much cooler than anyone who works there. 3) You will learn a lot of important life lessons. The older you are, the more effective this will be. A less expensive way to achieve the same things is to bring a newborn baby into the store.
3. Refer to everyone who works there by the same name. This will send the message to everyone that you think hipsters are all the same. It is really like philosophical and deep. They might not “get” it the first time around, but it will catch on. Here are some recommended names, but remember, use only one of them, be consistent, and don’t be gender neutral!: Bobby, Johnny, Scout, Larry, Barbara, Jennifer, Christina, Frankenstein.
4. Bring a medium-sized animal into the store and make sure it makes a mess and disrupts other customers. This will create a big dilemma for the people who work there because they will not know whether to hold on to their hipster/hippie values of loving animals by letting you stay, or show their true hypocritical natures by telling you and your little precious to “hit the road.” If they choose the latter (you know they will), the key is to make a big scene and use your words to make everyone feel bad about themselves. You must act like the world is ending even though we all know that is not happening until 2012. At this point, it is helpful to avoid looking at anyone in the eyes and incorporate tips 1 and 3 for dramatic effect. For example—
Hipster Core Member w/ Bangs: Get outta here! Your little kitty, Boots, as cute and precious to the earth as he is, is making a mess and disrupting all our customers! Please get his beautiful little tail out of our soup!
You: You are all such hypocritical hipsters, BARBARA!! Boots is trying to express himself as an independent woman in this cruel, cruel discriminatory world and now you are telling him to give up his pride and dignity. You don’t know what he goes through everyday…I am never buying Bacteria Bubblies from this wretched place ever again! GOOD DAY, SIR OR MADAM.
This will really show those guys what it means to be productive members of society.
I hope these tips will aid you in your quest to un-hipsterize the UCSD Food Co-op. Remember, all of these are suggestions. A real Hipster Slayer will change his or her name to Buffy and think outside the box.
“The Old Student Center is very much an alive thing. We all congregate around the same watering hole (the Food Co-op). And the Koala would be, like, the bathrooms, where everyone takes a shit. Sometimes the Koala comes over and shits in the watering hole; makes everyone mad.”—AV